Fuzz Therapy

So here is an update... I am still unemployed. I had an interview but didn't get picked for the job. Personally I felt like I didn't do my best in the interview. I don't know if you are familiar with behavioral interviewing, but it can throw some curveballs. I went in positive and nervous, but then I got a couple questions that really didn't have a good answer. For example, one of them was something like "Describe a time that you disappointed someone and what happened". Disappoint someone? Seriously? When I was practicing for this interview that wasn't one of the things I really focused on. I worked on trying to remember clinical situations and how to present them in a positive light. But let us return to that key in the phrase "disappoint someone". OK anyone who knows me that I live in constant fear of disappointing people and myself. At least it should be obvious since I am a perfectionist. I realize that they wanted something like "I did X and didn't meet their expectations then I admitted it and did X about it to fix it". But really? Disappoint? You couldn't come up with a better way to elicit that answer? I guess since they are the hiring party they are entitled to ask whatever questions they want. *sigh* anyway...

So after not getting that job I have decided to make a new plan since I *NEED* to get a job so I can do what I am trained to do. I have decided to apply en masse to as many positions in a couple designated categories. So like Telemetry, Medical/Surgical, and the Emergency Department. Basically places with similar skills needed. All states are an option now. Well maybe not all. I mean I am applying everywhere but I am hoping to get some response. So I've put out 10 applications today and hopefully I'll find some more positions to apply to. Basically I can apply to anything that says "new graduates considered". Generally that phrase is in the fine print, so for every 100 job postings I see, I can apply for about 2 of those jobs. Then if you try to put it into perspective, and realize there are probably at least 200 or so people applied for that one job. It's rough out there folks. Yeah I am still looking in the Portland area, but I can't really find anything. There are a couple jobs here and there that I have faithfully put my info in for people to look over, but the fact of the matter is I just don't have the experience that they are looking for in a candidate. They are just giving me more reasons to find a job so I can get some experience...

In other news I have recently not been sleeping well. While this hasn't really interfered with anything because I am unemployed, I have just been worried about going "postal" on my neighbors or something. Well they are annoying and being unemployed has made my world quite small, so yeah the pounding drum track from the lower apartment starting and stopping during my nap time does cramp my style. I sort of wonder if gifting our neighbor with a pair of headphones would be too passive aggressive or just smart. I think he also doesn't win any popularity contests because he smokes underneath our bedroom window around bed time and then flicks his used cigarette butt into the nice flower bed there.
Things haven't been wholly bad though. My husband and I decided that getting a pet now was doable. So last week we talked about what it would be light if we were to get a pet now rather than after I got a job. I mean, we are making due, but we aren't financially "well off". In any case we decided to get a kitty. So on Friday I cleaned up the apartment a bit and went shopping for the "kitten essentials". It was fun but I did miss a few things that I got later. Like nail clippers (good for keeping kitties from clawing you) and more toys (good for keeping kitties entertained and off your furniture).

So on Saturday Jonathan and I went to the Oregon Humane society. I was nervous, you know, because I was sure that people were on top of things on Saturday and went and adopted all of the kittens. Yes ALL of the kittens would be gone... It was quite the experience really, to get there and see all of the poor kitties without homes. Of course the big playroom at the front is full of little kittens. We tried to go and look at all of them before sitting down in one of the meeting rooms to see their personalities. We looked at a few kittens. Some of them were super cute but a little shy about showing their personalities. I understand how stressful that is for little kittens. The be yanked out of your little safe playroom into an empty room with strange people that smell funny. One of the first kittens that we met was really outgoing and playful. She wasn't the most "unique" looking (you know like random spots or whatever) but personality goes a long way. Her assigned name at that point was "Molasses". We met a few other kittens but we went and me this little kitten again. And that's how we ended up adopting the kitten now known as Miko.

We took her home and once we let her out she did about three thorough circuits of investigating the apartment and then went and hid under the bed in the "office/spare bedroom". I think my heart sank at that point. I knew it was normal, but I felt shunned by my new furry companion. It turned out ok though. She came out and was her normal attention-seeking self. She really is turning out to be a snuggle bug. When she isn't playing she prefers to be in my lap sleeping. She also is quite the talker. Not a yowler though. Just like to make sure you know that she wants attention. She also has some of the longest meows ever. It's really funny.

So I may be unemployed but now I get the appropriate amount of fuzz therapy. Thank goodness!

Fruit Flymaggedon

So here I am again blogging. I still don't have a job. I wish there was a different running theme to this blog. You know, like writing about my new interesting experiences and the new people I've been meeting. Of course I have had some interesting experiences recently, but still it doesn't really take the place of a long term job. I think I'm at the point of struggling with being okay with where I am in life. I was doing well for a while but I just hit a "dip" in the rollercoaster of life recently. I hate to say it, but I just have been getting more and more discouraged when I see someone else get a job. It could just be because of my competitive nature or something but I am not digging it. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy for people to be getting jobs, but I always have this part of me, almost a reflex, that tries to measure my success with other people. So if my friends from college have jobs and I don't, I'm losing.

Why do I think like that? Couldn't say it's one thing or another, but it's probably a human thing. I have noticed that as a person I end up acting upon this inner urge more frequently than other people, hence my better known "diva" persona.(" Yes, I want to be the best and yes, I would like your attention and yes, I would like you to think I'm awesome and on top of that I want you to frequently tell me so.") Unfortunately this leads me down a road to a really insecure place. Right now I'm pretty insecure about my nursing capabilities. It doesn't surprise me that much since I feel so much better when I am using my skills. So please, have mercy, give me a job. Will it fix all of my security problems? Heck no. But I can tell you that working towards the goal of being the best nurse is a lot better than working towards being the best unemployed nurse.

I have been occupied by trying to be the best wife ever. I think I have a long way to go. I do know that I have an overall high base score of coolness though (I know I'm so modest). I mean what wife (no don't tell me) likes to get her husband video games so she can play them with him? And what wife can give you hours of comedic entertainment just by commenting on normal things in a witty way? Ok so I'm pretty sure there are other women out there that are like this, but I swear I'm bringing home the Wife of the Year 2010 trophy. Well regardless of the fact that it doesn't exist, I give myself "wife brownie points" when I do something I feel is incredibly awesome. The scale varies though. Some days it can be doing the laundry and other days it's cleaning the entire apartment and making something super special for dinner. (I should also mention that I make a list of these things and give my husband a tour of my awesomeness when he gets home. He's quite good about humoring me.) I suppose this is my way of dealing with the tedium of having not a whole lot else to do.

It's actually this weird state of having plenty to do but not really anything to do. I'm all about wanting to do that next earth shattering thing. I have experimented with a few hobbies. I figured out that my problem is that I am extremely moody (not like PMS) and I will want to do something else the next day, so having one thing to do isn't enough. I did make some really interesting food (for baking) and have painted some. I've also gotten back into fiddling with the fantasy world that a friend and I have been writing. I suppose I could say that I live in a constant state of changing "cravings" for certain activities. (No I'm not ADD, thank you.) It's often times frustrating for me because I feel like I start getting into something and then the next day I feel like I have no interest in doing it. Let me just say that nursing isn't one of these things. That's why I really want to do it. This is also one of the reasons that I really want to work in the Emergency Department. Plenty of variety. I suppose that since the saying is "Variety is the spice of life", I'm a spicy person? But I can't say I'm the most vibrant and diverse person I've ever met (competition lost *sad face*). Sometimes it almost feels as if I've developed a separate personality to deal with my internal mood swings. I must say that this part of me is rather uptight and prefers a lot of repetition and routines. It's quite exhausting to try to mediate between the two selves (and no I'm not schizophrenic, there is only one internal voice and it's mine). Nursing is awesome in the fact that offers and outlet for both my selves. Nursing works to create a structure that can function within an environment of controlled chaos. In any case, I would like a job so I could stave off spontaneous combustion brought on by such unrest.

On a different note, mundane things have gotten more er... blown out of proportion. I love watermelon and summer is a great time for watermelon. With watermelon eating, there comes left over rinds and apparently no matter what, fruit flies come with that as well. I didn't notice the issue too much. We have a few here and there once in a while. The other day though, I opened the lid of the trashcan and it felt like a whole cloud of them came swirling out. I took a couple swipes at them and then slammed the lid shut. I ran out of the kitchen and waited until my husband came home so he could take out the trash without me. I knew without a doubt that they were all out to get me. I went through a few days of going into the kitchen to get breakfast only to be greeted by a swarm of the little bugs. We kept emptying things and getting rid of bits of fruit and stuff, but they just kept breeding. I later found out that my hubby had taken to using the small portable vacuum cleaner we have to suck them up.( I found out by reaching my limit, going to get it, and finding a piece of duct tape over the mouth of it.) I grabbed it, walked back into the kitchen, looked at my husband and said something like, "Prepare for Fruit Flymageddon" and promptly waged war on the invaders. This has been one of the most exciting things to have happened recently. *sigh* Hopefully the hyperbole doesn't get worse.
Well hopefully next time I blog there will be better news on the job front...

Temp Jobs and Heckling

So here is another temp job/no job update:

I am pleased to announce that although I have no solid job yet, I have been able to use my license. It actually turned out to be better than my original plan of opening up a "lemonade stand" version of a clinic. You know, like Lucy. (points to whoever gets the reference)

Anyway, so I had a chance to work for my dad. He's a family practice physician. So sometime back around the 4th of July we were chatting about stuff and he was like, "Oh yeah, my nurse is going to be taking August off. You wanna come work for me?" I was really shocked by that. I didn't think that I would have had a chance to do any work.

Last week I ended up working three days for him. It was interesting. I definitely was guessing on some of the paperwork since I really have never had a chance to do a whole bunch. Well I guess I have done lots of paperwork, just not the stuff that requires a license. I mean, I was getting to do some medication refill authorizations. There really isn't anything quite as satisfying as signing something only you can sign (with the exception of the doctor of course) and finishing it off with a big "RN" flourish. It mean I think that was the best part. No one could do my job but me. In school and in clinicals there are many other people that can do your job and you have to work really hard to make sure they don't take it away from you. This would happen especially with nurses that weren't used to students. Granted there are situations where letting students do it all isn't a good idea. Like when I was working in the emergency department. Sometimes there just wasn't any time between getting the call and having the patient come in to explain the procedure that I was supposed to follow. But whatever, the point is, I was a nurse and I liked it.

So in a couple weeks I'll be going back to work another few days for my dad. That'll be refreshing.

I also had the chance to volunteer as a camp nurse the next three days. That was pretty fun too. I came prepared for most anything, thus, nothing worse than jammed fingers happened. I was a little nervous that there wasn't an Epipen up there when I went up for orientation. You know, with all the complaints about bee stings and being 30 minutes from civilization, it's bound to make any nurse nervous. Let's just say that when it comes to problems like having no Epipen it's quite handy to have a doctor as a father. So I was able to get one for camp that week and remarkably there really weren't any bee stings at camp.

There were a couple strange issues there though. I did happen to work around a lot of people that knew me growing up. That normally isn't an issue, but sometimes they were caught between treating me as the nurse and treating me as the kid they used to know. They treated me well to be sure, but I couldn't help picking up on that strange vibe. At least since I knew most of the people I was able to make light of that sort of treatment. Just as an example: One staff member asked for some ibuprophen. No big deal right? I said "So how many do you take normally?" "Er, I dunno, just give me a lot."(<-- although it's paraphrased, notice the bigger is better American mentality) "Well I think two or three is a good place to start." Other camp staff that I've known previously: "Awww come on, just give her more." I give her 3. Later I turn to the "other camp staff that I know": "Way to undermine my authority" (<--- the same heckling tone) She laughed as she realized what she was doing. Of course she had meant it as friendly heckling. I don't know, maybe I'm just a bit sensitive, but still, it's hard being a newbie and trying to establish my authority.

As far as finding a long term job, I feel closer than ever. Have talked to a few more people, applied to a few more places, and I'm going to meet with a couple more people soon. Hopefully I'll be employed soon. It's hard to keep waiting though. *sigh*

On a random note I am really excited to be celebrating my first wedding anniversary this weekend. YAY!

Job/hobby hunt in progress

July 22, 2010---Day 81 of being graduated and jobless:
Still trapped in a state of blah and no sign of the quarry...

Ok I guess that's a bit melodramatic.

I had thought earlier that the hardest part about being done with school would be the requirement of taking the NCLEX. Yeah that was stressful, but it was lasted about a day and a half and then it was over. The perpetual state of not having a set schedule is , well, mind numbing sometimes. I'd like to say that every day I have something mentally stimulating and industrious to do, but of course that would be a big fat lie. To be honest I did have a big slump right after school got out. It could just be that I had spent so long in "survive nursing school mode" that I have been having issues handling all my free time. I'm sure there are plenty of people that think this is bogus and that I should just pull it together.

Think about it though, I've been in school for 16 years straight and suddenly have to figure out what to do with myself. (I thank God for my husband, who keeps me stable and rooted in reality. That and he's a pretty good teacher on how to live real life.) I mean today I realized that I really like a well structured and uncluttered life. And by uncluttered I mean that I don't really have any of those interesting skill/hobbies like crocheting or whatever, it's not that I can't do them, it's just I don't think I have the attention span for it. I do paint off and on, and play classical guitar, or whatever strikes my fancy, but it kind of goes in spurts of interest. Maybe my problem is that I am so nursing brained now I find hobbies like that to not be an efficient use of my time since I'm not really accomplishing a well outlined goal.

When I say "efficient" that has nothing to do with the deeper worth of enriching one's self. I deeply enjoy the arts. Most people thought that I was going to major in Fine Arts and become an actress or something. I have missed participating in ballet in particular. If they somehow combined nursing with dance/dinner theatre I would be all in. Can you imagine? Scrubs, bed pans, a dream sequence---> epic

Anyway, I've talked to all the right people so to speak, sent out many applications, and still no call back from anyone. I'm trying to stave off the feeling that it's all because I'm not likeable or something to that degree, but after a while you just can't help but feel like you are standing outside a candy store with your face pressed against the glass. I feel like I'm stuck standing there just imagining all the wonderful things I could be enjoying. I understand that it's a buyer's market. I understand that most positions get many hundreds of applications in this area. But hey, whoever said that you have to be rational all the time. I think I just am feeling a bit awkward after all of the intimidating conversations I've had lately. Is it too much to ask that people would let you know that they like you and think that you could be good for nursing, even if they don't have anything for you at the moment? At least my family is at the ready with the pom-poms.

I love them.

For now I'll just have to keep depending on everyone to help keep my head in the game.

Don't worry. I'm going to get that job. I might just have to sneak up on it.

(PS: What do people think about me taking up the hobby of cooking? That is atleast a practical use of my time right?)

Romanticizing at its Worst

So I was watching a little bit of The Last Comic Standing this morning, (and you know all of those little advertisments that get played over and over and over again because the ad creators can't figure out that after 8 times, no matter how awesome it looks, I won't buy whatever it is because the advertisement got increadibly annoying) and there was the standard fare of advertisments. This epidode was actually longer than usual, so I got to see/hear it around 15 times or something. Once or twice I actually listened to it, and this is how the jingle went:

"The touch, the feel, the fabric our lives, The touch, the feel of cotton, the fabric of my life"

You know, I've always wanted to write a love song for cotton fabric but they just.... beat me to it....Wait, what? Cotton? Cotton fabric... Sometimes I wonder at people's sanity. I know you are really excited about cotton and you want me to buy cotton things, but personally I would be more interested in giving a short psych exam to check your orientation to reality.

Well maybe this works for some people right? I mean I get pretty excited about a few things. Like candy. But the difference is, if I ran around singing "Candy is the secret behind all great things in life, and it gets me through tough times, my friend forever...." I might actually have a chance of being taken seriously.

They put it out there as if they were saying something like "If we ever found the workshop of the Fates, and looked at their work on the fabric of life and time, it would be made out of cotton."

So I had a good laugh about it...which quickly died off when I realized that how excited I get about nursing and medicine and the human body might seem a little over the top. Like when people asked me about how my time in clinical was, I went on for a bit on how I like to work with really "busted and messed up people because they are more interesting". And the little voice in my head says, "You mean not everyone gets how awesome that is?" No... no... they just think you are one step away from psychopath. Or so I assume. But I have found comfort that I still am not the weirdest out there.

After my well woman's appointment (yay, it's so delightful....) I had my interested piqued, as it sometimes is, and decided to look up things about the cervix. Since I did not have an OB rotation, it's the stuff I have the least actual experience with, I feel the research/review is justified.

Now since I have graduated, they have officially locked my out of all the online databases that the school had open to them, so now I have to do Google searches and hope that it find scholarly articles (or something close) that I can read without paying $80 or something ridiculous. I also like looking at sites to see how they explain things to the general public.

Interestingly enough one of the first things that popped up was an article from ezinearticles. Here's how it started:

"I am the gateway; I am the door. I connect the inside to the outside. I decide which outside comes in. I control the flux and the flow. I hold the wise blood, or let it go. I protect the growing babe, or thrust it unformed into a world unsuitable. None leave, none enter, except by my grace, my decision..."

(my face as I am reading this)-----> 0_o

Ok I think that female parts are awesome and I am a fan, but please lock me up if I ever start writing poetry or prose like that about any of my body parts.

And this is all before I got to to some of the other literary gems like "I offer blood to Mother Earth. I spin stretchy strings of fertile mucus to Grandmother Moon." or " I know how to efface myself... opening wide in sweet surrender" (<--- clearly whoever wrote this hasn't experienced child birth)

In the end it is just a cervix. A clump of tissue in the female body that has a specific job to do... and I'm pretty sure it isn't sentient. A CERVIX! That's it people! Ok, I'm not going to stop anyone from writing love prose for it, but I really don't think your cervix cares in all honesty. It's not going to be so touched that it'll let you out of the pain of labor. Nice try.

Now I can understand that some people are really into certain body systems and generally they become specailized in that area of medicine. Generally, if they have some increadible obsession with it, they have enough of an outlet in being specialized. Or if they really feel the need to share that love, they can become professors.

I am so sorry to all of you, especially nonmedical, who have to put up with these sort of love affairs. Next time you ask me what my favorite part of work was, or what I like most about nursing, please let me know if I start going a little too far.

I will do my best not to scar you for life.

Realistically, RN can still = No Experience and Interviews can = Speed Dating

So after many months of avidly reading the stories written by some of my, well I guess I can now call them, colleagues, I figured it wouldn't hurt if there was another medically leaning blog floating around in cyberspace. Granted I do understand that this could all be because of some deep longing to connect with a community that I've had, up until recently, no time to discover in the flesh.

I also think this is an excellent opportunity for me to share some of my more interesting adventures. Unfortunately the probability that this will ever amount to something long term or become anything widely read is quite low. However, with a lack of other outlets to creative expression of emotions, I am humoring myself.

As you may notice, I call myself a nurse. That's right. RN. I'm quite proud of that fact, regardless of the lack of any actual hours of clinical practice. Sure, my (beautifully, concise, one-page) resume is dripping with the specifics of all my hours of clinicals and the units tasked with handling the ever eager nursing students, but am frequently reminded that none of those hours was ever passed with my own personal license. I would be the first to say I'd like to correct this personal deficiency. Right now though there aren't really too many opportunities for someone with 0 months of experience on my side of the USA. Sure, sure, whip out the old "pick up and move" argument. I would hope that those out there who are married would understand that dropping everything and moving somewhere is a bit easier to think about if you are single.

Of course I use that as my main excuse, but on a shallower note, I really, really would prefer to not to head to Florida or Texas (some of the most in-need-of-nurses-states, or so they say).

You could say I just don't like the heat. Cause I don't. But beyond that I just don't think I would fit into those cultures very well and I am kind of tired of not having a social life.

In any case, I am solidly in the category of "Unemployed r/t the economy, my geography and lack of experience AEB lack of a job, lack of a set schedule, and an ungodly amount of free time."

I do want to let you all know (because, of course, you all ((you know, all 2 of you at most)) care so much) that I am not just being a lazy bum. I have applied to a good handful of jobs that I actually qualify for and the coveted RN Residency program that has just been started in the area. Even though it is a new program this year I do feel that describing it as "coveted" is justified. No less that 600 people applied for these positions. I know it was more, but needless to say I didn't want to focus on how much competition I have.

I really hope that I get one of these residency positions, because I think I could stand to have a few weeks of training wheels. That's not to say that I doubt myself so much that I believe I need more handholding. I just think that setting a solid foundation for my career and personal confidence is important. I generally back this statement up in conversation with the most recent statistic of new graduate nurse retention rates.

Did you know that approximately 1 in 5 new graduate nurses with quit within the first year of employment and (generally) never return? So if there were around 150 people in my graduating class, around 30 of them aren't going to stay in nursing after the first year. Now I have no doubt that I won't be in that group because of my iron will (I've completed several semesters of school profoundly depressed and unable to make eye contact with people, getting nothing less than a "B" in each of my classes) and because I am a self acclaimed glutton for punishment (If getting married during nursing school isn't an indicator, I don't know what is...), but I don't want to even be walking on the edge of career meltdown.

Anyway, I recently found out that I made it through the first culling in the RN residency application process. *cheering with pom poms* Yay me! I had thought I would be called, but settled for the rather generic email that they sent me inviting me to participate in a "brief interview process". Yeah, they also reminded me that if I didn't show for this interview, I wouldn't be considered for the positions. Seriously? After all the work I put into that application?!? How could I not come?

I suppose I should elaborate on the application process. These days most applications are filled out and submitted online, for employer convenience I assume. The application for this residency program came with a detailed set of directions for us to follow that directed us to apply not only online, but to take a pile of stuff down to the HR department of the hospital system. These directions came with footnotes such as "All documents need to be without folds or staples and stock paper will not be accepted" and "Each of the special referral forms must be placed in a separate large envelope, sealed and signed by the reference on the seal". On one hand I really appreciate the specificity of the directions, however, it did make me wonder if it was all just a part of a first test focusing on following directions. I daresay I put a lot of work into putting it all together.

So after all of that effort (and of course the typical bout of irrational worry about whether I put the papers in the right order or if I spaced the margins right) they pulled a Windows Vista moment with a "Are you really sure you want to do that?" (For those of you that don't know, the newest versions of Windows takes you for an idiot and makes doubly sure that you want to open programs that you just so happened to purposefully double click on...). Of course I freaking want to have an interview!!

(Now I want to make sure again that you all understand that I understand all the reasons for why they do these things. I just have a habit of being hyperbolic and ummm, expressive...)

Sooooo, when I called to schedule an interview time I found that they were doing interviews for a whole 2 days, 8am to 5pm, in 20 minute slots. I ended up getting placed in a 20 minute slot on the Thursday a couple weeks ago. I was stoked regardless of the fact that I would essentially have to make my case in about 15 minutes. I did the math and I thought they were doing like 70 interviews in two days. That seems like a lot right?

I get to the place of the interview around 20 minutes early (as per my habit in nursing school of coming to class around 20 minutes early), giving myself enough time to pace around like an idiot. (In my defense, the interview took place about 45 minutes away, across town, and during the beginning of bad traffic, so leaving early was a good idea.) Even for how nervous I was I didn't fail to notice that there are several rooms full of people that look like they are attired for an interview. Conference right? Wouldn't that be nice. In a few more minutes I learned that I would be interviewing with 11 other people.... at the SAME TIME! (If you redo the math previously, that puts them at just over 500 interviews in 2 days) They said it would be like speed dating. Although I've never been speed dating, I think the simile was accurate.

The set up was like this:

They had a handful of unit managers of all types, 1-2 to a table, and ended up spreading them out in a room. They told us we had to march in and just sit down at whatever table had a chair open in front of it. We could be interested in MedSurg and get interviewed by someone from the OR. We would have about 15-20 minutes to get through the basic interview and after that we would get a score, and those scores would determine whether we will get another interview or not.

I was floored by the massive undertaking that I was a part of. Incidentally, I ended up being the first to enter the room. I tried my best to smile and not look frantic as I looked at all the managers staring back at me. Luckily I was able to chose one of the nearer seats with an older woman who was smiling somewhat serenely back at me. As we introduced ourselves, I came to the quick realization that I could be in deep trouble after she said that she was the manager of a psychiatric unit. Most people that know me well understand that I don't have the deep burning desire to get a job on a psych unit. (I generally tell my friends it's because manic people and I don't get along very well in enclosed spaces.)

My fears were put to rest during the interview. This woman is a model of all I want for myself in the proper method of conversation and active listening. I came in for an interview and received therapy. Therapeutic conversation that is. There were all the standard questions of behavioral interviewing and I think I did as well as I could. I will probably elaborate more on the details of that later...

So, a brief sigh of relief and then several more weeks of anxious waiting. I hope that next week, when I get a call, it'll be good news. You know, good that I get another interview, but bad that I have more cause for the creation of an ulcer.

*sigh*